Eurovision Song Contest 2006
As a child, I spent many a happy Eurovision Song Contest night sitting with the family in front of the telly, pad and pen in hand, making sarky comments about the acts and songs, frantically scribbling down my reactions as 'reminder' notes and marks out of 10. Of course time has moved on apace, and instead of sitting with the family and a pad and pen I now watch with my boyfriend (hereto referred to as 'Sam', for that is his name) and a laptop, and share my wibblings with anyone who is interested enough to read them online. I've been kindly invited to share this year's wibblings with the good people of NTS, so here they are - pretty much unedited, so please excuse a) the length of it (but hey, it was a long night!) and b) any errors!
Here we go, then!
"The most spectacular Eurovision opening in 50 years!" claims Sir Terence of Wogan. "Weird fucking land dolphin things that have come to kill us!" claims Sam. I think I preferred last year's flamethrowers meself.
Sadly it's the same two people presenting who did the semi-final. The woman seems to have modelled herself on the bird from 'Will & Grace'. Not just with the curly permed hair, but the very annoying shoutyness. We're all 'amazing', apparently. Yeah, right. Just get on with the bloody music, will you?
Oh good. We get to
suffer listen again to last year's winning song again. Joy. Still, it gives Sam time to mess about with the music and sound settings on the new telly.
Oh good. Grace and Medallion Man are back. That was, apparently, 'amazing'. I'm assuming they're talking about the song, not whatever they've been up to backstage in the meantime. Get on with it!!!
Song 1 - Switzerland - 'If We All Give A Little' by Six4One - Ooh, very traditional bad Eurovision. They look like a moderned up version of Guys & Dolls (remember them, old farts in the audience?) 'If we all give a little, we can dry a million tears, and some hope will grow out of many fears'. Oh dear. Perhaps you could have all given a little more attention to your singing classes, you're as flat as farts. Verdict on song 1 from Sam 'this is shit!' followed by 'though they are all trying their best aren't they? Except the one third from left, he's not trying at all!'
Song 2 - Moldova - 'Loca' by Arsenium - A Birtney Spears impersonator, according to Sir Tel. 'Hey loca, give me your boca'. WTF? This lot might have just given Switzerland an extra point. Sam's verdict 'This is shit!' I see a pattern emerging here. 'Do you want it or not?' shrieks Birtney. 'NOT!' we shout back. Our first 'rapper' of the night. That's 'rap' with a capital 'C'.
Song 3 - Israel - 'Together We Are One' by Eddie Butler - Ooh. He's singing in forrinâ€™ but the subtitles are in English. 'Together we are one, true love has finally come'. The viagra worked, then. Dressed all in white, this bloke looks like a negative of a pint of Guinness. The song is bland, boring, but better than the two that came before it. Just. They're trying to be gospelly, but if that big black bird screeches any higher only dogs and bats will be able to hear her. 'Shame the kettle boiled right at the end there,' says Sam.
Song 4 - Latvia - 'I Hear Your Heart' by Cosmos - I like Cosmos, I had my first holiday in Austria with them. Ahaha. Sir Tel says this is an acapella number. It starts out just a load of shrieky sounds. Is there going to be a tune any time soon? Ooh. Imagine Boyzone combined with The Flying Picketts and you've got this lot. Ouch. Kudos to them for trying to do something different, but it didn't really work for me. And what's with the weird robot blackboard thing?
Song 5 - Norway - 'Alvedansen' by Christine Guldbrandsen - 'Six lovelies all in white' says Sir Tel. What's with the white theme this year? Bland and forgettable. Shame, as I'm supposed to be supporting the Scandinavian countries tonight, seeing as they're 'my' countries at work. Sorry Norway, this is nil points from me.
Song 6 - Spain - 'Bloody Mary' by Las Ketchup' - I have hopes for this as I love 'The Ketchup Song', and obviously someone listened to me when I said they should've entered it in the competition a few years ago. Oh dear. This is awful. The Ketchuppers have let me down badly! Bring back 'the boogie and the buidididi!' I don't like Bloody Mary, so I'm going to have my first glass of vino of the night instead...
Song 7 - Malta - 'I Do' by Fabrizio Fanielo - 'A man with serious eyebrows' says Sir Tel. Bloody hell, he's not wrong there! A thumping disco beat and cheesy lyrics from a man who's really giving it his all. That's better.
Song 8 - Germany - 'No No Never' by Texas Lightning - A country song 'so typical of Germany' says Sir Terence. Woo! Stesons and a woman who sounds like she's been sucking on helium! 'Are they really German?' asks Sam. He's got a point - they're all smiling and jolly! This is fab. Best song so far. I love it. It's the first one to get me boogyng on the sofa. Subsequently, it will come last.
Song 9 - Denmark - 'Twist of Love' by Sidsei Ben Semmane - This is a story song about 'Johnny' and 'Connie'. Johnny didn't know how to twist, apparently. Neither do any of the backing dancers, by the look of it. Probably the best female vocal performance so far, but that's not saying much. Sorry, Denmark, you're another of 'my' countries, but this is poor. Oh, and now 'Johnny' is breakdancing. He doesn't know how to do that either, apparently. Next!
Song 10 - Russia - 'Never Let You Go' - Dema Bilan - I saw this on Thursday night. Keep an eye on that piano! Aw, he's really giving it his all, but it's terribly dull. The only thing that makes this song interesting is the corpse ballerina rising from the piano to throw rose petals around.
Song 11 - Macedonia - 'Ninananananeenee' or something by Elena - Apparently this is where Greece's 12 points will be going, in the absence of Cyprus. Urge to kill rising. Is it just me, or is this year's contest not as entertaining as last year? 'Tell me what you want baby, tell me what you need' pleads Elena. 'You to shut up' responds Sam. Ouch. How flat? Catchy chorus, but the rest of it is crap. Oh, and another breakdancer. Great.
Song 12 - Romania - 'Tornero' by Mihai Traistariu - Eurodisco sung by a man with a pretty good voice but ginga thinning hair. And that's about as much as can be said about this. Next!
Pause for a Greek ad break. And more vino for me. Hurrah!
Oh joy. It's Medallion Man and Grace again. Feck off, the pair of you. They're going to be insufferable when it's voting time, aren't they?
Song 13 - Bosnia Herzegovenia - 'Leyla' by 'Hari Mata Hari (I think) - 'it takes a while to get going, and ends up not going very far', says Sir Terence. All white costumes again, just so we can tell them apart from every other act tonight. Lots of musicians sit morosely around on the stage whilst the singer emotes desperately, singing 'my dove, lovely dove' and 'rosemary in your hair and a flower by the fountain, Layla'. Oh no, those 'musicians' were just pretending to play all along! They cheated me! The bastards! Earnest, well sung and - well, franky a bit of a dirge. See it soar into the top five, then.
Song 14 - Lithuania - 'We Are The Winners' - Already getting booed by the crowd. I don't know quite why, but I'm enjoying this much more tonight than I did on Thursday. I particularly like the baldy man who dances like a spaz. Go spazman, go! I would love it if this won!
Song 15 - UK - 'Teenage Life' by Daz Sampson - This might suffer now it's had to follow Lithuania. I still can't decide if I think it's utter shit or warped genius. The chorus really has got me hooked, along with the string arrangement, but I still find the rappy stuff a bit desperate and annoying. Oh well. They definitely gave it their all. Pretty good performance. Shame everyone else in Europe hates us so we won't win!
Song 16 - Greece - 'Everything' by Anni Vissi - I heard this on the radio the other day and thought it was dreadful. And I still think so. And she's pinched the tune of the chorus from â€˜The Majesty of Rockâ€™ by Spinal Tap, thieving bint! This will score highly because it's like a cross between Bonnie Tyler and Celine Dion. And itâ€™s the host nation.
Song 17 - Finland - 'Hard Rock Halleluliah' by Lordi - Hurrah! This is fab! Go Lordi, the bastard love children of The Banana Splits and Kiss! (With a bit of Klingon thrown in for good measure!) 'On the day of rockoning itâ€™s who dares, wins' oh my, this really is Spinal Tap! Loving the wings, just waiting for stonehenge and the midgets! GO LORDI! Our winner!
Song 18 - Ukraine - 'Show Me Your Love' by Tina Carol - This is like a cross between Christina Aguilera and that bird who sung about her breasts being like mountains (Shakira?) Very good vocal performance, lively and catchy. Will score highly and possibly win.
Song 19 - France - Il Est Temps' by Virginie Pouchin - Oh God, make it stop! A terrible dirge, sung in French and as flat as the flattest thing in flatland. Just dreadful. I hope they score nil points and have to qualify next year.
Song 20 - Croatia - 'Moja a Tikla' by Severina - Ooh, National costume and a form of yodelling. And balkalalaika type things. Huzzah! 'Tick-tock 'round half past two, you shall pinch me but no-one will see'. I can't type any more for laughing. 'Oh Sokja girly, do put on your little socks, for the grass has not yet sprouted'. Tel urges us to sing along. I will if you will! And now she's strippng off in a last desperate attempt for votes. I actually love the 'oy dada oy da oy da da' chorus and Zorba dancing. But I'm a sad bastard.
Song 21 - Ireland - 'Every Song Is A Cry For Love' by Brian Kennedy - This is horrible. I know it is, because I saw it on Thursday and was convinced it was from Father Ted school of Eurovision entries. Sadly after the previous entries a dirgelike ballad will probably win a lot of votes. This could only be worse if it was sung by Daniel O'Donnell or Wetlife. Sod this, I'm off for a piss.
Song 22 - Sweden - 'Invincible' by Carola - I didn't like this on Thursday night and I still don't like it. Eurodisco at its worst given a foghorn delivery by a woman who's old enough to know better. Sorry Sweden. Bring back Abba! (ps. this will probably win).
Song 23 - Turkey - 'Superstar' by Sibel Thuzin - Four British dancers, so we're supposed to be supportive. But I can't be. Because not only is this song shit, but this woman has the most horrible tattoos ever. And she looks about 50. Oh God that was horrible.
Song 24 - Armenia - 'Without Your Love' by Andre - I still can't believe this song qualified on Thursday. It's terrible. Though the elastic band dancing is remotely interesting in a 'thank feck this is the last song' kind of way. 'Should I live or should I die without your love' he sings, earnestly. Die. Please.
That's that, then. A tough one to call this year - mostly because the Balkan/Eastern Bloc countries will obviously swing it again and I have absolutely no idea anymore about what they like and I don't think there were really any stand out songs (well, not ones that stood out for the 'right' reasons anyway!) Obviously I'd love to see Finland or Lithuania win, but I doubt it will happen. I wonder what 'amazing' treats they have in store for us during the interval...?
...Oh fecking hell, they've only wheeled out Nana Mouskouri. Isn't she about 90 or something?
If Grace says something was 'amazing' once more, I swear I shall put my foot through the screen.
I like the fact that the subtitler thinks this interval routine includes something from the 'roman antic quitty era'. Marvellous (or should I say 'amazing!) And they've completely given up trying to follow the action now, just typing 'she sings in Greek'. Way to go, subtitlers!
This giant bird stuff is fantastic. Last time I saw something like this it was a primary school concert. The schoolkids were better. Oh God, now it's giant puppets. Terry has completely lost it in the studio. And so have we!
Ok, here we go with potentially the most tedious part of the night. And to try to speed things up, they've changed the voting so they only announce 8, 10 and 12 points. The other points show up on the screen while they're talking and it's really distracting.
We got our first points - 2 from Andorra. Oh this new voting thing is shit, I can't tell who's getting what because I can't remember who the acts were! Finland in the lead currently mind. Hurrah!
Double hurrah! The Scandies vote for each other, extending Finland's lead!
My original suspicions about the UK entry are proving correct. We're doing badly. Is this because the song was shit, or just because nobody loves us (everybody hates us, we're going down the garden to eat worms...)?
Ireland there, proving they have a sense of humour giving Finland, us and Lithuania the top set of points. Wahey, go Finland! If they win this, it will be the best result in years!
Why are Lithuania getting such a harsh reception from the Greek crowd? Even their voting woman got roundly booed.
The Dutch vote announcer there, proving once again that you should just say no to drugs, kids!
Hurrah! Despite the ridiculous block voting, Europe prove they have a sense of humour by voting Lordi as the winners of Eurovision 2006! I'm so chuffed. Especially as there was apparently uproar in Finland about Lordi representing them in the first place. It could only have been better if Lithuania had come 2nd. Quite why the Russian song did so well is beyond me, but there's really no accounting for taste.
Oh and I should have stayed with my gut instinct about the UK's chances, shouldn't I? Poor over confident Daz has egg on his face now. 19th out of 24, and there he was predicting at least a Top 5 finish. Future entrants, please note - rap songs do not do well in Eurovision. Ever.